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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  June 13, 2013 9:30am-10:01am PDT

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♪ i like the things about me i like the things about me captioning sponsored by comedy central ( theme song playing ) ( cheers and applause ) (cheers and applause) ♪ look at all the lonely people-- ♪ ♪ jo jo was a man who thought -- ♪ ♪ band on the run -- ♪ neighbor i'm amazed at the way you love me all the time -- ♪ ♪ ebony and ivory --
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: whoo! welcome to the "report," everybody! (cheers and applause) welcome to the "report"! good to have you with us! (audience chanting "stephen") >> stephen: thank you, ladies and gentlemen! please, sit down. folks, i've got to tell you, with a greeting like that -- with a greeting like that, folks you know how that makes me feel! folks, i've got to tell you, you make me feel like a rock star! folks, we're here on a very special night and you know why? that's a trick question: every night on this show is special. (laughter) well, let's just say that
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tonight i am sporting some serious norwegian wood because -- (laughter) my guest is sir paul mccartney! (cheers and applause) sir paul, of course, one of the most successful and influential song writers of all time, up there with gilbert and sullivan, rogers and hammerstein, lennon and mccartney. (laughter) we all know sir paul's songs: "yesterday," "hey jude" "black bird," "get back." all in all, some of the greatest most timeless songs ever bought by michael jackson. (laughter) now, in 2009 the guinness book of world records named paul mccartney the most successful songwriter of all time. he's like lee redmond if hit records were fingernails. (laughter) in fact, the first album i ever
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bought was with my own money was gordon lightfoot's "don quixote" ♪ through the woodlands, through the valleys come the horsemen wild and free ♪ blew my mind. but the second album was "hey jude." (cheers and applause) that's right, kids. that's right. young people, people used to buy music. (laughter) the '70s were a crazy time. although he is often called a living legend, sir paul's rise to fame began as a simple tale of a 15-year-old left-handed guitarist who dropped by a garden party to see the quarrymen. he joined the band that became the beatles that conquered the world planting apple seeds with babe, the big blue ox. eventually paul left the beatles to join the argonauts. eventually throwing all of his gold records into mount doom. (laughter) and i cannot wait for tonight's performances. you name an instrument and paul can play it: guitars, key boards
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bass, drums, he's a one-man karaoke bar without the weird videos of korean kids stealing fish. (laughter) now sir paul's presence doesn't mean i'm going to run tonight's show any differently than usual. he may be a giant but this is "the colbert report" not the "mccartney repartney." (laughter) i'll treat him the same way i treated last night's guest author daniel bergner in that i won't read sir paul's book, either. by the way, bergner did a great acoustic set last night. (laughter) should have taped it. i call the shots in this building and that's just the way it is, okay? i let sir paul know it's a half hour show, we have time for one song. (laughter) he immediately agreed to do an hour-long show with six songs. (cheers and applause)
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this and i said "yes, sir, sir." (laughter) so i told him we rehearsed at 5:00 and tape at 7:00. there's simply no other way to do it. he said he had to leave by 4:00, we'll be taping at 3:00. which is 7:00 some place in the middle of the atlantic ocean so i'm calling that one a win for our side. of course, i explained to sir paul that taping so early would mean we'd need him here by 11:00 a.m. for rehearsal and he agreed to get here when he got here. (laughter) and as with any musical guest, we have to secure the broadcast rights to their songs, clear the lyrics with legal and, of course nail down our lighting and camera angles so i told sir paul we absolutely had to know in advance what songs he'd be
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playing. he said "i understand completely. i'll decide when i get there." (laughter) he showed up, right? he's here? (cheers and applause) good. anyway you people are the luckiest studio audience of all time. (cheers and applause) dig it! dig it, daddy-o! this is going to be a 150-person paul mccartney concert! you hear that, republic? you, oprah, you and your free cars can suck it! (laughter) now, folks, of course, out there in the non-free paul mccartney private concert world they're still sifting through the blockbuster revelations about the n.s.a.'s cyber program prism. millions of americans whose internet privacy has been
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violated are shocked to learn that anything on the internet was ever private. (laughter) and now the man at the center of the storm, leaker edward snowden has gotten some bad news. >> booz allen hamilton, the national security contractor where snowden worked for three months at its hawaii office confirming he's been fired. >> stephen: ooh, fired! oh, that can't be easy in this job market. plus, he doesn't have any references. he only has all of yours. (laughter) now, among snowden's leaks was a paper that says the n.s.a. collected 97 billion pieces of intelligence from computer network worldwide in march, the 2013 alone. but 97 billion! there's no building big enough to hold all that data! at least until they finish this one. >> these pictures are amazing. the compound is five times larger than the u.s. capitol. all the to store big data. there will be yottabytes of data. people are familiar with big gheits. well a yottabyte is a billion
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big bites and then a million of those. a million bill gigabytes. (audience reacts) >> stephen: to put that in perspective, one yottabyte is equivalent to 200 trillion d.v.d.s. which is approximately how many d.v.d.s i'm behind on "game of thrones." (laughter) so no one tell me about the red wedding. (laughter) now i have to admit, at first i found this program to be a shocking breach of the public trust. the intimate details i share from my gmail account are no business of big government! they are for one purpose only: so i can get targeted adds for boner pills. (laughter) well, then i learned this prism targets only foreigners! yeah. evidently that torch of freedom is only for americans. for the rest of the world, she's holding boom mics. (laughter) now to ensure that they were limiting their searchs to
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non-americans prism's data analysts would key in search terms designed to produce at least 51% confidence in a target's foreignness. simple. they just used search terms americans weren't familiar with such as "portion control," "paid maternity leave," and "gooaaal!" (cheers and applause) folks, this idea of foreign surveillance really strikes a chord with me. particularly because i've got a guest tonight who strikes chords professionally. and i am 51% sure he is foreign. (laughter) for one thing, an american would never say "all you need is love." what about nacho cheese? (laughter) that's why tonight to keep an eye on this guy i've got cameras and microphones all over this studio. (laughter) (whispering) don't tell him.
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we'll be right back with sir paul mccartney. (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: welcome back, everybody! my guest tonight needs no introduction so i'll introduce myself. here to interview music legend paul mccartney is sir stephen colbert! (cheers and applause)
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thank you! paul, good to see you! thanks for coming back. >> thank you! >> stephen: what a pleasure. >> thank you. good to see you, thank you. >> stephen: we haven't gotten together for four years. how have you been? >> i've been good thank you, yeah. and you? >> stephen: last time we talked i wasn't that familiar with your work. (laughter) >> i remember. >> stephen: i have since boned up on my mccartneys and jesus went can you write some doozys! i mean seriously! (cheers and applause) i have to talk about the album, the remastered reissued album you've got out now called "wings over america." >> yup. >> stephen: 1976 tour of the world, it's the america leg of it. now this was the fifth number-one album you had as wings. >> yeah!
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(laughter) >> stephen: walk me up to that spot because you leave the beatles, you've been working for years very successfully with a guy named john-- i know the feeling. (laughter) (applause) but you start your own thing. what did it feel like? did it feel like you had to start from scratch after you left the beatles? >> yeah. i didn't want to do the same thing again so i wanted to form a new band and try and do it all again only different. >> stephen: had to have been some rough patches in the beginning. >> yeah, there were. >> stephen: let's relive those bad days. (laughter) what was it like? was it like mccartney and the first wings album, what was it like? >> well, you know, seriously stephen --. >> stephen: paul -- >> we decided to do it from the ground up rather than do a supergroup thing so we knew nothing and we had to just learn it all again how to be a band
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and there were times when i was begrimed. (laughter) >> stephen: i'm sorry to hear that. i understand at one point you were actually driving to college gigs in england in a band. >> uh-huh. yeah. >> stephen: why? (laughter) you're paul mccartney, man! >> i ask myself that question st. we literally did drive up the motorway. we didn't have a gig booked and we didn't have a hotel. (audience reacts) >> stephen: would you just show up at a college and say "would anyone like to hear me play"? honest to pete? really? >> we said "have you got a students union?" they'd say "yeah." we'd say "can we see the guy from the students union." and they'd say "paul mccartney is here." and he'd say "no, he isn't." (laughter) then he'd come out and look at me and i'd say "can we play for
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you tomorrow?" i tell you, that's how it happened. >> stephen: it was important for you to be producing music and be traveling around with your wife. why was that important for you to be with linda in the band? was that a way to make a better marriage? >> no, it's just i liked her. (applause) >> stephen: all right, that's a good idea. you got a little bit of grief about it. mick jagger said "why would you want your old lady in your band?" you ever see him now and knock him for looking like an old lady? (laughter) >> i do, yeah. >> stephen: there songs you wish you'd written. not from the beatles but songs you wish you'd written that are -- for your time, like you know -- like tin pan alley "ain't she sweet" simple songs like that? >> yeah. yeah. "cheek to cheek" i like. you know that one? >> stephen: i do. >> i like that. >> stephen: ♪ when we're out together dancing cheek to cheek ♪
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>> yeah. >> stephen: did i just sing with you? did i just sing with paul mccartney? >> (together) ♪ heaven, i'm in heaven and my heart beats so that i can hardly speak ♪ when we're out together dancing cheek to cheek ♪ (cheers and applause) that was very nice. i smell a hit. we've got all this equipment here. would you think about doing some music for us, please? (cheers and applause) >> stephen: i'd love to! >> stephen: it's an absolute joy a pleasure. look at that! (cheers and applause) "wings over america" c.d. reissue. we'll be right back with paul mccartney! come on! (cheers and appl cc@i(q(&$pc8,x$pc8,x-x-xja0 'é
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♪ ♪ ♪
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ well, when i met you at the station ♪ you were standing with a bootleg in your hand ♪ i took you back to my little place ♪ for a taste of a multi-colored band ♪ we're gonna get hi, hi, hi the night is young ♪ she'll be my funky little mama ♪ gonna rock it and we've only just begun ♪ we're gonna get hi, hi, hi with the music on ♪ won't say bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye ♪ 'til the night has gone i'm gonna do it to you ♪ gonna do it sweet banana you'll never give up ♪ we're going to get hi, hi, hi in the midday sun
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♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ well, we'll take off your face ♪ recover from the trip you've been on ♪ i want you to lie on the bed get you ready for my polygon. ♪ i'm gonna do it to you gonna do it sweet banana ♪ you'll never give up, yes ♪ go like a rabbit, gonna grab it ♪ gonna do it 'til the night is done ♪ we're gonna get hi, hi, hi with the music on ♪ won't say bye-bye, bye-bye, bye-bye 'til the night has gone
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♪ i'm gonna do it to you gonna do it, sweet banana ♪ you'll never give up we're gonna get ♪ we're gonna get hi, hi, hi we're gonna get hi, hi, hi ♪ we're gonna get hi, hi, hi in the midday sun ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ hi, hi, hi hi, hi, hi ♪ we're gonna get hi, hi, hi in the midday sun ♪
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(cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) ♪ lady madonna children at your feet ♪ wonder how you manage to make ends meet ♪ who finds the money when you pay the rent ♪ did you know that money was heaven sent? ♪ friday night arrives without a suitcase ♪ sunday morning creeping like a nun ♪ monday's child has learned to tie his bootlace ♪ see how they run ♪ lady madonna baby at your breast
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♪ wonders how you manage to feed the rest ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ba, ba, ba, ba ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba ♪ ba, ba, ba, ba ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba ♪ ba, ba, ba, ba ba, ba, ba, ba, ba, ba ♪ see how they run ♪ lady madonna lying on the bed ♪ listen to the music playing in your head ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ ♪ tuesday afternoon is never ending ♪ wednesday morning papers didn't come ♪ thursday night
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your stockings needed mending ♪ see how they run ♪ lady madonna children at your feet ♪ wonder how you manage to make ends meet ♪ oh, yeah yeah! ♪ (cheers and applause) captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh access.wgbh.org (cheers and applause) frank: damn, i'm bored. come on, let's do something.
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dennis: well, we're a little busy here, frank. what the hell are you reading? in touch. in touch? why would you read that crap? we are trying to stay in touch with what's happening in the world. yeah, i'm sorry if we like to keep ourselves informed. you want to be informed? read a newspaper. dude, nobody gets their news from a newspaper anymore. no, no, no, but dennis, look-- "plutonium smuggled into syria." eek, that's gonna change my life drastically. that's gonna change everyone's lives. no one can go to syria anymore for vacation. oh, boo. hey, what's up,' bitches? what is up? turn the tv on right now, dude. this is huge. turn the tv on. i'm gonna be on the news. oh, my god, dude, there was an accident today, and then the news talker asked him what happened, and he totally went off, dude. i went off for, like, 20 minutes; it was amazing. i totally popped, right, charlie? - oh, you popped, dude. - quick, hear this, hear this. all right, shut up! shut up! shut up! this is ken jacobs coming to you from market street, where two buses collided just minutes ago. we talked to one local resident who had to this to say. it was absolutely crazy. police are currently investigating the cause of the accident. back to you, jim. (remote clicks) what the hell was that? - yeah, you really popped. - i think you're gonna be a star.